


Kono Versus The Universe

by AndreaLyn



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: F/M, Genderswap, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-09
Updated: 2011-11-09
Packaged: 2017-10-25 21:36:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/275053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndreaLyn/pseuds/AndreaLyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kono makes a bet with the universe that if Danny were a woman, he and Steve would be doing it and she puts her own love life on the line.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kono Versus The Universe

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Коно против Вселенной](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4123783) by [Miss_Eugenie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Eugenie/pseuds/Miss_Eugenie)



Kono’s an idiot. She’s a lonely idiot with a big mouth, thoughts of a cute and geeky lab tech on her mind, and too many beers in her system. She doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with angling her beer towards Steve and Danny – in the midst of another argument about why the Jets, as a team, are worth cheering on.

“Y’know,” she says, her words only barely slurring together. “If you, if _you_ were a girl,” she insists, the neck of her beer pointed in Danny’s direction, “you two would be screwing like bunnies. You’d be married. You’d be the little wife in his house. You’d be...”

“Less drunk than you are, Kalakaua?” Danny snorts his reply. “Steven, look what your negative talk about the Jets is making her say.”

“My negative talk...?”

And they’re off again.

Kono shares a pitiful look with Chin. “Why am I here drinking and watching them argue instead of out having a life of my own?”

“Same reason I’m here. We’re suckers for punishment.”

“But seriously,” Kono insists, sizing up Danny and Steve, the picture clear in her mind. “I mean, they would, yeah? I know they would. You agree, right, cuz? I would stake my – my -- _all_ my future relationships on it happening if Danny was all curvy.”

When she’s sober and she’s facing the cold and harsh light of day, Kono will regret this. At the time, she has only the adrenaline burst running through her system and the idiocy of mind to order another round.

* * *

In the morning, Kono wakes up to find a handwritten note at the side of her bed. It’s confusing and she’s just hungover enough that nothing is making any sense. She scrambles to drag the small piece of paper into bed with her, crumpled and lost in a mess of sheets.

 _We’ll take that bet_ , it reads. _Game on._

* * *

Kono tries to tell herself that it’s just Chin’s idea of a prank. She rings him up, but when she asks about the previous night, he chuckles knowingly. “You’re gonna have one hell of an apology on your plate, cuz. Telling Danny and Steve that, if things were different, they’d be humping like bunnies against Danny’s desk was _bold_.”

Kono doesn’t actually recall saying exactly that, but it’s not like she’s got an eidetic memory of the previous night.

“I’ll swing by Danny’s place and apologize,” Kono says, popping a couple of aspirin and swallowing them dry as she issues a fervent prayer that they work and _quick_. “Tell Steve I might be a little late?”

“If you’re going by Danny’s, you’ll see him before me.”

“Fair point,” is Kono’s rueful response.

Kono makes it the whole drive without her headache resurfacing, but doesn’t tempt fate when she knocks lightly at Danny’s door. She knows that even the slightest provocation will bring it hurtling back. “Danny? Danny, it’s me. I wanted to apologize for last night.” She tries at the door – open – and tentatively steps inside. “Can I come in?” she asks, even though she’s two steps into the apartment.

There are women’s clothes strewn _all_ over the bed.

“Danny, you dog,” Kono whispers to herself.

Even if she’d been betting on Steve and Danny being a sure thing, she can’t help but be delighted that Danny’s apparently scoring some action on the side. At least one of them is. For all that Kono and Charlie keep talking about setting up a date, it never comes to pass and she can’t help but feel she’s missing an opportunity there.

“Danny?” she calls out again.

“Geez, hold your horses, usually I get about fifteen more minutes before Steve storms in,” comes the complaint from the direction of the bathroom. Kono’s opening her mouth to protest Danny’s idea of a practical joke – sending his one-night-stand to screw with her mind is not appreciated – but she takes a second look around the apartment and realizes what she’d been missing.

It’s been in plain sight the whole time.

The shirts and ties. The pencil skirts that no sane local would wear. The sheer _number_ of women’s clothes and the familiar attitude in the voice when Kono got her reply. That note she’d found on her nightstand – tucked away securely in her wallet, now – starts to make more sense and Kono starts feeling a sinking sensation in her stomach.

Kono takes three tentative steps inside, lurking just outside the bathroom door. “Are you decent?”

“Yeah, I just got out of the shower, I’ve got a towel on and since _when_ do you care how much I wear? You and I, we’ve got a pact,” Danny says and when Kono peeks around the corner, she’s greeted with five-foot-nothing of big (wet) blonde hair, broad shoulders, _curves_ , and attitude. Danny puffs out her chest and winks at Kono in the mirror. “Besides, I know I had that phase and everything, but you don’t have to worry. I’m totally not gay for you. Sorry,” she adds, as if an afterthought.

Kono stands there, slightly slack-jawed, but doesn’t have time to process any of this. She’s too busy being shocked when Steve announces his presence at the door, knocks twice, crouches down to pick up a pile of Danny’s clothes from the pull-out bed and heads straight for the bathroom, throwing underwear at Danny as he does.

The headache is back and it’s had _babies_ , at this point.

“Um...”

“Kono,” Steve greets her. “Danny, what the hell? I texted to ask if you were ready. Five minutes ago! You didn’t answer.”

“I was in the shower, you Neanderthal!” Danny snaps.

Kono feels a gleeful thrill rush through her at the scene before her. There’s no way in hell, heaven, or on earth that she’d ever be okay with a guy she works with storming into her home and throwing her _underwear_ at her while half-naked. That alone pushes in Kono’s favor that they’re _definitely_ together, but a quick glance at fingers shows no rings and Danny and Steve are still standing in argumentative stances, not yielding to the other.

“Get the hell out,” Danny orders. Kono goes easily, sliding out to the side. “Not you,” she huffs. “Steven.”

“Danny, it’s just Steve,” Kono tries to reason.

“Yeah, just my boss and my pain in the ass.”

“But, he’s also...” Kono starts, inching out onto a limb.

“He’s also what?” Danny asks, turning to stare at Kono cluelessly, running a towel through her damp hair and digging out the hairdryer while sifting through the pile of clothes Steve had brought in. Danny makes a shooing motion with her hands, which Steve complies with easily – though he does manage to roll his eyes as he goes.

Down goes the towel the second Steve is gone and even though Danny says that it’s okay, Kono still averts her eyes while Danny shuffles into the bra and panties.

“Nothing,” Kono replies, feeling all that earlier glee practically bleed out of her. Danny’s here in front of her – a woman and Steve’s partner – and nothing has changed. How can nothing be different?

Apparently, the universe had an inside edge when it was taking this bet of hers.

* * *

Even if the world has pulled the rug out from under her feet, Kono’s still not sure she buys the whole ‘cursed to be forever alone’ thing and vows to put it to the test. With coffees in hand, she drops by HPD and heads straight for Charlie’s desk. They’ve been hanging out a lot lately and Kono keeps thinking of tentatively dipping her toe into the waters of dating again.

Why not now? Why not him?

If nothing else, it will be a much-needed reprieve from the insanity of the day. Kono had made it three hours before she got tired of gaping in shock at Danny’s bust in her dress shirt (and tie) and the way Danny practically flaunted that ass around while bending over desks and filling out paperwork.

Maybe Steve in this world was just blind, because Kono was getting a little antsy to tap that and she’s only ever acknowledged that Danny is a bit of a charming goof, at times. Apparently, Kono can now maturely acknowledge that she’s a stone-cold fox in this form.

She hovers by Charlie’s desk, wearing her most winsome smile as he comes back from the lab down the hall, wiggling her hips slightly as she holds out the cup of coffee for him. “My favourite guy,” she praises as she eases closer to hold out the coffee and try and steal a quick kiss on the cheek from him.

In today’s long list of growing offenses, he shies away like she’s an asp ready to send him to his doom. Kono mentally curses the goddamn universe and wonders what the hell is coming next. If Chin sprouts wings and blithely insists he’s been able to do that this whole time, she’s shooting something.

“What’s wrong?” she asks when he keeps inching back, putting the space of a table between them.

Charlie flashes that sheepish grin at her – the one where half his dimples show up and she can practically feel her stomach twisting in anticipation, but there’s nothing good coming. “I just don’t want to send you the wrong message, Kono,” he says, gently. “I got out of a long relationship–”

She stares at him blankly because she _knows_ none of this is in the least bit true. The last time they were together, they’d made out lazily on a blanket thrown onto the North Shore – consuming far too much wine and letting their fingers drift over each other’s bodies. They may not be serious, but Charlie definitely didn’t just come from something committed.

“Okay,” she laughs, a bit stilted because given how her day is going, she’s not about to dismiss anything so quickly. “Charlie, come on. You, me? Last Saturday?”

“I think we’re rushing into this, Kono,” he says worriedly, sliding his goggles on as he digs out a tray of samples from a small fridge. “I just think that the universe will send us a sign and I’ll _know_ when we’re ready.”

She bites down on her lower lip hard enough to draw blood.

“You are ... absolutely right,” she gets out, managing not to choke on the words as she abandons both coffees at Charlie’s desk. He can enjoy them while he sulks about how _quickly_ they’re moving.

 _This isn’t over, you cosmic jackass_ , she vows.

* * *

“I honestly can’t even believe this,” Kono says to her plate lunch as she cradles her head in her hands. After four days, she’d thought that Danny and Steve – even _this_ version – wouldn’t be able to keep up a ruse, but it’s four days later and she’s in the middle of watching Steve _literally_ hold the latest case file up above Danny’s head. He’s -- _she’s_ \-- five foot even and isn’t jumping to the occasion, but Kono doesn’t blame her.

Chin sits down beside her, giving her a nudge with his shoulder. “Can’t believe what, cuz?”

“Steven! Give that back to me!”

If she had pigtails, Steve would probably be pulling them. “Why, _Danielle_ , so you can yell at me for my terminology again?”

“You used ‘creative torture’ as an excuse for requisitioning an ice cream maker!” she retorts shrilly.

“It was a joke! I’m planning on changing that!”

Out of her peripheral vision, Kono can just barely see Danny pummelling Steve in the chest with both hands while Steve just takes it, pushing them into Steve’s office. One week ago, Kono would have sworn that they were going to get up to no good, but four days have proven that there seriously is nothing going on between them.

She moves her lunch aside and lets her forehead hit the table with a resounding _thud_. She has no idea why she’s stuck in some sideways parallel shift of a world where she’s being made to eat her words, but she wants _out_ and she wants out now. She can hear Danny’s high-pitched voice and Steve’s condescending laughter and she rues the day she ever thought the two of them would ever get together by any easy and normal means.

“That’s it. I’m taking matters into my own hands,” she mutters, digging out her cell phone.

Chin, who’s known her all her life, has an understandably wary look on his face.

“What are you doing?”

“If I’m stuck being alone until I somehow matchmake the two most _stubborn_ idiots I’ve ever worked with, I’m not sitting back and advancing to old age while they both circle the fight.” Kono smiles victoriously as she punches in Ben’s number into her phone, leaving a message that he needs to call her back urgently. “I’m setting Danny up on a date and I’m picking out the clothes,” she says with all the determination that she usually applies to the judicious use of force on the job.

* * *

In the end, Kono thanks the heavens that Halloween is around the corner and there are a dozen parties that they’ve all been invited to. Kono’s made it clear that Steve and Chin are expected to be at Ben’s costume party, and are expected to dress up.

“Why aren’t you forcing this on Danny?” Steve complains, sifting through the box of costumes that Kono brought for him to select from (she’s _really_ hoping he puts common sense aside and goes for the Tarzan outfit). “Is this some kind of solidarity thing?”

“Danny _has_ a costume, and seeing as she’s going with Ben, she doesn’t need to be here,” Kono says, pretending to be as nonchalant as possible while keeping a weather eye on Steve for his reaction.

It’s actually fairly promising. His jaw clicks once and he tips his head lower, as if that will obfuscate the severe line in his forehead that always appears right before he does something incredibly stupid. “What’s she wearing?”

“You’ll just have to come and find out,” Kono says, sweet as pie. “I think Danny mentioned something about you being too chicken to wear the Tarzan one, by the way,” she adds, aware that it’s the quickest way to get Steve to do something. She watches carefully out of the corner of her eye and smiles victoriously when he nabs the loincloth, disappearing into the bathroom to get changed.

Kono feels like this is right. She feels like this is going to happen.

“You’re playing with fire,” Chin warns her.

“I have to do this, Chin. I know it sounds crazy, but if I ever want to have some kind of happiness for myself, I _have_ to do this.”

* * *

When Kono gets to Danny’s place to pick her up from the party, she’s starting to have second thoughts. She’s meddling in her coworkers’ love lives, and even if these are just some alternate version of her friends, they’re still _them_. Plus, what if she’s wrong? What if Danny and Steve are just really weird co-dependent friends and the thing with Ben works out?

Kono’s got some pretty weird mental images going on, now.

On the other hand, if she gives up and doesn’t follow through, there are chances that some malevolent universal force is going to keep her alone for the rest of her days – which means no Charlie, no Ben, no _anyone_. She’s got a lot banking on this.

Kono leans on the horn with her elbow, tapping the wheel anxiously with her long fake-nails (she’s decided to go as a forest spirit, decked in tattered green rags for a skirt and a tight glittering bodice). When Danny steps out to lock the apartment, Kono’s jaw drops and at the same time, she realizes she shouldn’t have worried.

“Holy shit, Williams,” Kono says as Danny joins her in the car.

Danny squirms, tugging at the spandex bunny-suit that’s pale-blue and is a leotard at best. The tights are sheer, the bodice is low, and the bunny ears are adorable. Maybe Kono should just abandon her plans and try and get with Danny – though, if he doesn’t know how to sext, Kono’s got some genuine hesitations about the man.

“I feel like an idiot,” Danny grumbles.

“It’s a costume party, _wahine_ ,” Kono says casually. “Besides, you’re technically mostly covered. You’re definitely wearing more clothes than Steve.”

“Wait...”

“The Tarzan costume,” Kono interrupts with a smug look on her face. “Yup.”

There’s a strange look that passes over Danny’s face, but it’s promising. Danny’s foregone the fake eyelashes, but there’s more makeup than a woman normally wears and every time Kono looks over, she gets a prime look at Danny’s _impressive_ chest.

“Seriously, Danny, you’ve been hiding that under the ties?” Kono asks dubiously.

“Professional,” Danny snaps back, drawing out the word into every last syllable. “I like to dress like a professional. Halloween is the one time a year I’m permitted to get skanky, so drive, Kalakaua, and you better hope this date of yours isn’t a bust.” It takes another three miles, but Danny finally clears her throat. “So, uh, did you set up Steve with anyone?”

“Just him and the loincloth,” Kono promises, feeling good about her chances.

When they get there, Kono makes sure to deliver Danny right into Ben’s arms (who is dressed like a marine biologist and Kono makes sure to shoot him a look that says ‘are you fucking kidding me?’) and then she’s off to search the crowd for Steve, keeping a weather eye-out for Charlie.

Steve is with Chin at the drinks table and is, indeed, wearing just a loincloth. Chin’s dressed like he’s going to a luau and pulling it off one-hundred percent. “Hey guys,” she greets them brightly, adjusting her crown of flowers and leaves. “Looking good,” she says, eyes lingering on Steve and _wow_ , he’s definitely been working out.

“Where’s Danny?” Steve demands.

Well, if nothing else, he does get right to the point.

“Around,” Kono answers, smiling enigmatically. “She looks _incredible_ , though,” she continues, raving as much as she dares. Not once does she take her eyes off of Steve and so she knows when he’s seen her, because Steve goes fully tense. Kono casually turns around and grins as Danny disentwines from Ben’s arm to make her way over.

“Swear to god, Kono, this thing is pinching places I don’t want to think about,” Danny complains, hands spanning her ribs and adjusting the bodice, which has the effect of shoving her breasts up further. Even _Kono’s_ brain shorts out for a second; she can’t even think about what it must be doing to Steve.

She does hear that growling sound coming from him, so she imagines it’s definitely doing _something_.

“I’m just here to say ‘hey’. I promised Ben I’d get us some drinks,” Danny continues rambling, adjusting the bunny ears and the tumbling locks of blonde curls around it.

Steve leans forward and grabs hold of Danny by the elbow. “Danno,” he says curtly. “A word?”

Kono watches Steve haul Danny away to the outer recesses of the party, casting a hopeful look in Chin’s direction. Maybe it’s just the start, but she wants to try her luck and see if the fates are giving Charlie any signals about moving forward. She winds her way through sexy nurse costumes, zombies, pirates, one Old Spice Guy talking to a Chuck Norris, and eventually finds Charlie wearing a Captain Kirk outfit.

“Nice,” she appraises with a laugh.

“I had a bet with Max and I lost,” Charlie replies ruefully. “Never take a bet with that man over the composition of minerals in murder weapons.”

“Duly noted,” Kono says, because there’s no way she’s taking a bet with Max about anything. She opens her mouth to speak, but doesn’t even get that far. She’s momentarily stunned silent by the vision out of the periphery of her eye.

It’s Steve carting Danny _over his shoulder_ in the direction of the parking lot like he’s taking the whole ‘man of the jungle with no social skills’ to heart.

Her jaw must have dropped because Charlie is inching closer and wrapping his arm around her shoulder to steer her to the alcohol. Sure, this is what she wanted, but she kind of thought it’d take more subtle finesse than this. She kind of hoped that putting a scantily-clad woman in front of Steve wasn’t all that took to break the bough, but maybe all the other pieces were in place.

As it is, she feels like she’s just been slapped – in a good way, if you can ever _be_ slapped in a good way.

“You know,” Charlie is saying as he pours them cups of punch. “When I see stuff like that, I kind of feel like it’s fate’s way of saying that no matter the obstacles, sometimes people just see past that and get together.”

As Kono accepts the punch into her hand, she can’t help but feel a victorious wave sweep over her. She takes hold of the punch and gives Charlie her most winning smile as she hooks her arm in his and takes him to the edges of the party where they can have a little privacy to talk.

“Funny you should mention that...” she says, and settles in for a long talk.

* * *

Kono’s in a great mood the morning after the party. She and Charlie have set up a date and it’s like magic – the minute that Steve hauled Danny off to be alone, Charlie’s trepidation towards serious relationships suddenly isn’t half the problem it used to be. She’s whistling to herself as she pours a coffee, pouring a second for Steve when he comes in.

There are definitely a number of interesting hickeys lining Steve’s neck and Kono’s pretty sure that shade of pink lipstick behind his earlobe wasn’t an active fashion choice in the morning.

“Boss,” she says slyly, saluting him with her mug. “I lost track of you at the party last night. Everything go fine?”

“Everything is perfect,” Steve announces with a distantly blissful look on his face. He sips at the black coffee she’d poured for him, gesturing to her and then to Chin – out in the bullpen. “I’m gonna need you and Chin to help tonight or tomorrow, though. We need all the hands we can get to move Danny.”

“Move Danny to where?” Kono replies, choking slightly on her coffee. “Steve, what’s going on?”

“Danny’s moving in!” Steve announces joyfully, clapping Kono on the shoulder gently as he wanders out into the central area of the office with Kono in heated pursuit, a perplexed look on her face. “She’s home packing now and we’ll get her in ASAP.”

“But, you – you just got together last night and...” Kono trails off, not sure how this is possible at all. If Steve and Danny’s bickering had been frustrating, their rapid-pace from nothing to everything is giving her whiplash. “I don’t understand! Already?”

Steve shrugs idly. “We’re gonna get along great,” is all he says, like it’s the most casual thing in the world. “And maybe now I won’t get kicked out of the room during shower time.”

“You wish, McGarrett!” comes Danny’s voice from the doors. She walks right past Steve – hair bound in a messy ponytail and wearing a pair of Rutgers sweats and a Navy t-shirt – and ambles up to Kono, pulling her into a close embrace before easing away and holding Kono lightly by the forearms. “I’m either gonna kiss you or kill you for facilitating things between me and Steve,” Danny informs her. “I’ve yet to decide because we’ve yet to begin cohabitation.” As easy as breathing, Danny slides from standing in front of Kono to draping her around Steve’s waist, pressing a slow kiss to his collarbone.

Steve looks like a man given to drugs in that moment and Kono feels smugly secure in the knowledge that she was _right_ about everything.

“If you two are good,” she says. “I think I’m gonna take an early lunch so I can build my strength up for moving day.”

Plus, there’s a lab tech she needs to see.

* * *

She wakes up with Charlie still slumbering peacefully at her side. As she starts to adjust to the morning light spilling in through the curtains (and checking her phone in the process), she discovers a new note on her night stand.

 _You win. Congratulations_

She’ll head into work later that morning and Danny will be his normal self – ranting and raving, standing six inches too close in Steve’s personal space and touching him far too often for them to be nothing more than friends. They’ll work whatever case is on the table, and sure, Danny and Steve might dance around each other now, but Kono knows better. They’ll get to it when they get to it.

Besides, she’s got her own love life to worry about.

She leans down to press a slow, lingering kiss to the soft skin on Charlie’s neck, just below his pulse point. As he wakes, it begins to race and Kono basks in the thrill it gives her to know that _she_ caused it. “Hey,” she greets him, splayed out on the bed in nothing more than a pair of her favourite black panties. “So, I was thinking we could make this a thing. What do you think?”

“I think,” Charlie replies sleepily, draping his arm securely around Kono’s waist, “that so long as your music tastes have progressed, then you and I should definitely do that.”


End file.
